Homeschooling Journey to Financial Freedom

When You Are A Woman Breadwinner

4/15/2013

It started in college. I was the one with the car and I would drive us to the university for classes. Then I was the first one to get a part time job and then the handyman would use my car to drive me to and from work. I was 20 years old we had our first baby.

I was the first one who looked for a job while the handyman waited for calls or referrals for repair jobs. For me it was just instinct to go out and search for ways to bring money in. I had no idea that I was setting myself up to be the breadwinner. Until my mother told me that it was exactly what I have become when baby no. 2 came.

I didn't mind at first, I guess being naive can be a good thing. But judgement and criticism from family can take a toll and as I gained more experience and advanced in my career, my world got bigger, while the handyman stayed the same.

I read Women Breadwinners: Can a Marriage Work When You Feel Like "The Man"? and here is an excerpt that struck a strong emotion in me: "...it's critical to return the woman breadwinner's husband to the throne: "Return your man to the throne by allowing him to fix things, solve problems, figure things out, and make decisions without your involvement... Ask for his help. Ask his advice. Let him come to your rescue every now and then. Enjoy the easy feeling and freedom of carrying less of the burden and having a man who has your back, a man you can trust. He needs you to need him..."

I did all this, I told the handyman exactly what I wanted so he'd be aware of what ticked me off. I gave him opportunities to step up. But at the end of the day, realization dawned that not all men would (step up), even if given the chance. I had to accept him for what he is.

The article further stated "A woman breadwinner is likely to succeed and flourish as any other marriages" Are you kidding me? I wonder if the expert author, Kassandra Bibas, has a truly flourishing marriage and a woman breadwinner?

I just looked her up and her blog bio says "My marital status is M (I guess this means she is married), my motherhood status is Y (and I'm assuming this means she has kids)," No information about her spouse which strikes me as though Ms Bibas is leaving that information out purposefully. I wonder why.

Fine Kassandra, but I just can't be satisfied with me being the breadwinner by default. When it comes to marriage, I want the old school biblical way where the man is the MAN. That's not in the Bible, I know, I don't know any verses, but you get it. Can I make my marriage work even if the handyman won't ever fill his big shoes? Yes. But I'd be lying if I said I was content.

I'm not attacking this expert author in particular. I do agree with some of the things she said - marriage can work if you put your mind to it regardless of any situation. In an ideal world, wouldn't we all want that?

3 Comments

Kassandra Bibas link

5/26/2013 09:24:32 am

Hi Bella,

Thank you sooooooo much for writing this blog post. It's EXACTLY the kind of dialogue we women breadwinners need to begin having. I love what you've said and I'd like to respond to your questions. I am a private person so I don't talk alot about my marriage but let me say a few things because what you're saying resonates with me far more than you know. I'm on my second marriage. In my first marriage, I was also married to what you'd call a "handyman." I had my first baby at 19 and my 3rd at 28 and, by 29, I was divorced. 10 years of marriage and I was mostly the breadwinner and it didn't work for EXACTLY the reasons you post in this blog post. Thank goodness I got smarter and wiser the second time around. I've been married now 3 years this October 30th and I am now a woman breadwinner in a blended family (my three kids and he has none and we have none together yet). Is it tough on certain days? Yes. Does it work? Absolutely. And I'll tell you why. This time around, I married with open eyes. I knew was I getting, what I wanted, and how I wanted to live my life. I love being a woman breadwinner because I have the ability to create my life. My husband is extremely supportive of how much I work, how hard I work and we balance each other out because he takes on roles that, frankly, I don't want to. Are there days when I want to say, "I wish you made double what I'm making?" Yes but money isn't what makes a marriage equitable. Contribution is and even though he doesn't bring in the money I do, he contributes equally and that was the problem in my first marriage. It doesn't matter to me if a man isn't the one making the money but where I find that women breadwinners have the greatest difficulty in relationships is if a woman is the breadwinner financially and then she has to do everything else too... and the man doesn't even step up to the plate. In that scenario, the problems are way bigger than the woman being the breadwinner. It now is an issue of a man existing in a relationship where he's there but not really present... and that, woman breadwinner or not, always spells for trouble. I love the marriage I'm in now, not because it's perfect, not because it's safe, but because my husband supports me and loves me and cares for me in a way I've never known. Could I have married a doctor, a lawyer, or someone else who would be the breadwinner? Sure. I chose differently because I wanted something different. Women breadwinners fair better when they see their breadwinning as a choice, not a position they unknowingly got into or were forced into by circumstances. No matter how you got into it, though, you can choose to see the situation for what it is and make some powerful decisions for change. On another note, I love your blog. I'm considering homeschooling my middle son and I'm going to start reading your blog regularly. Thanks for creating this dialogue. I love it!

Bella link

5/26/2013 12:00:55 pm

Hi Kassandra, thank you for dropping by and letting me get to know you better. I agree - women breadwinners fair better when it's their choice, but even if it wasn't to begin with, they do have to be creative and come up with ways to make the marriage work. Powerful and positive changes can take effect in the relationship once acceptance sets in.

5/26/2013 12:03:47 pm

I absolutely agree with you Bella. Dr. Wayne Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." We're in a world where so much in the economy changes. People lose jobs. They become disabled. Sometimes, women wind up breadwinners due to circumstance and the most powerful force a woman has in that situation is how she defines her situation, her role, and her life. Reframing life situations and focusing on the positive are key to success for anyone.

When You Are A Woman Breadwinner

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